


Troubles Gone

by Raging_Celiac



Series: Cassidy Snow AU [1]
Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Angst, F/M, He's so in love, I'm just gonna do what the show does and ignore the whole "Iris is his adoptive sister" thing, Language, POV Barry Allen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-28
Updated: 2020-06-28
Packaged: 2021-03-04 08:07:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,630
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24966436
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Raging_Celiac/pseuds/Raging_Celiac
Summary: The four times Barry told Caitlin "I love you.", and the time she said it back.
Relationships: Barry Allen/Caitlin Snow
Series: Cassidy Snow AU [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1807018
Comments: 3
Kudos: 39





	Troubles Gone

_ Was it hard to believe? _

_ Wear your heart on my sleeve _

_ And I'll hold you when you're lonely _

_ When you're cold cause you're the only girl for me _

_ Cross my heart and hope to die _

_ Since you came into my life _

_ My mama says to pick the best _

_ And you are it _

_Hey_

_All our trouble's gone_

_Like when we were young_

_ Take me back to where we all began _

_ Here we are again like we should've been _

_ Oh my lady can I have this dance? _

_ My lady _

_ Hey _

_ All our troubles gone _

_ Like when we were young _

_ Take me back to where we all began _

“Infinity” by AJR

* * *

Barry was good at keeping secrets. Okay at it. Perfectly able. Some might even say that this should have been like breathing for him at this point. After all, it was reflexive -- a sect of him was now permanently devoted to coming up with excuses in case a meta attacked. But that truth? Not so simple. 

He could lie about himself just fine; he had more than enough practice trying to distance himself from his father, no matter how convinced of his innocence he was, and the whole incident in Starling City would have, actually, gone over completely fine if he had been able to spoof the CCPD’s systems a bit better - or, y’know, at all. 

But his feelings for Iris were a major snag - they had a pulse to them, a particular rhythm to the heartache. He couldn’t hide those so well, apparently, and it was only her (seeming) obliviousness in that area that let him keep them secret. His attraction was an endless story of “almost there”, “I’ll tell her tomorrow”, “next week”. Now was never the time: the future was always far more attractive, because he could imagine the circumstances, plan out what he wanted to say. How to say it. Where he’d say it. 

None of those imaginary circumstances came, of course, and the future became the now, and thus, he procrastinated further. Each day turned into a week and each week became two, three, four of its brethren until another month had passed, and the tap-dancing of his heart remained in place. He’d been able to look past it on occasion - Becky, Felicity, the one time he actually met someone who liked him at a college party - but his infatuation never truly went away. It just retreated for a time, pouncing on him the second he saw Iris again. A recurrent flash flood that never ceased to push him close to giving himself away, before he recovered his wits and rejoined the long and narrow road of pining silence.

He should have been sick of it. Honestly, part of him was. But most of him was too enraptured in her megawatt smile, her laugh, some other random detail of the week. Joe called it love. Honestly? Barry wasn’t sure where to draw the line for himself anymore, because this felt more like obsession at times - the intrusive thoughts that his therapist had worked on with him for so long, that cycled around and around again, and sure, love  _ was  _ inherently illogical, but… 

Iris was with Eddie now. That was an objective fact. Iris knew how he felt now, and of course, it had changed nothing. That was right. Right because she deserved someone who could actually summon up the courage to ask her out, and not beat around the bush for over ten years. 

Barry pinched the bridge of his nose, exhaling slowly. More training today. The Man in Yellow was here now - the man who murdered his mother, framed his father for the crime, who had ripped away his innocence. He made Barry angry like Rainbow Raider had, but in a far more insidious way. This anger was subversive, slowly leaking into every action he took, staining his words. It stained his tone, his attitude - everything that made Barry Allen Barry Allen. 

“Hey,” Caitlin’s voice is crisp and careful, “you okay?”

Barry looks up at her, and his heart begins tap dancing again. Slower tempo. Slower pace. Just as disquieting.

Having feelings for two different people… that was probably bad. Not that he expected anyone would ever fight over him (he really hoped no-one would, if those CW shows had taught him anything, it was that love triangles  _ sucked _ ), but like, on a personal level. And an interpersonal level, knowing himself. 

Barry swallowed, struggling with the concoction of utter outrage and… um…  _ y’know  _ in his gut, that was like oil and acid thrown together. Old, slippery, but still toxic all the same, while also being able to recolor everything it touched. “Yeah. Yeah, I’m fine,”

Caitlin saw right through that, of course. She wouldn’t have been Caitlin if she didn’t. She was sharp - intelligent, probably more so than himself, and very observant when she wanted to be. Why that seemed to happen a lot around him? Good question. Probably a not-so-good answer, though. 

“I swear,” Barry said, a bit more forcefully, “I’m fine, Caitlin.”

“You can take today off, you know,” Caitlin responded, eyes steady, “No one would blame you.”

Barry glanced at his shoes. He should have changed by now. That would have been logical. Totally reasonable. Actually, it was fifteen-minutes expected of him, but Dr. Wells and Cisco had run into some problems with some of the drones he was supposed to face, so. He hadn’t. 

For some reason, he felt himself laughing. At himself is what his gut said, at the ludicrous situation is what he told himself. Caitlin’s face grew even more concerned, and his laugh quickly died, but before Barry could apologize or explain himself, she had sat herself next to him. 

Her poise was firm. Her expression was firm. The tap-dancing became stomping. 

He wasn’t like… look, he wasn’t… 

“You’re right,” he eventually said, “I - I should probably go home,” he scratched the back of his neck, and felt himself grinning even whilst he began berating himself for it, “I just, I guess I enjoy running too much.”

Caitlin looked at him. Studied him with that same uncompromising, clinical air she had when she first patched him up. Barry’s grin deepens in spite of every thinking part of him. 

“It’s Iris,” she told him, flattening his grin right quick, “Isn’t it?”

Barry’s throat closed up for a second. Two. Three. Too many seconds. Too much time for it not to be considered weird, definitely. Nonetheless, he had to drag his voice up from the bottom of his throat, out of the hiding spot it always used, the one that it had discovered when he first met Iris, and had been using ever since. 

He only hummed an affirmative, though. A moment later he nodded, a tad too forcefully. 

Caitlin nods back. The movement is far more controlled than his. 

She doesn’t press him further. Not verbally. Instead she does it all with her eyes, unwaveringly patient. She’s trying to get him to open up - say whatever’s wrong with him, but the choice has to be his. She won’t prompt it if she can. It’ll make him feel better about it if he admits his problems out loud, on his terms, to the extent of his choice. 

God, she’s so smart. 

Barry shouldn’t laugh, but he does anyways, because he’s great at this. He lapses back into silence the moment the laugh loses traction, which is basically as soon as it comes out. He gulps, before clenching his right hand on the edge of his fold-out chair, which he realizes is the one Caitlin normally sat in fifteen minutes too late. 

“You’re not gonna stop until I talk, are you?” he asks her, cocking his head to the side. Caitlin inclines her head, although amusement flickers through her eyes. Barry chuckles softly to himself. 

“I,” he began, licking his lips, directing his eyes to the cloudy skies above, “I - things aren’t like, hostile between us or anything, but it’s not…” he bites the inside of his cheek, “... simple, anymore. Hiding it was - was - I dunno, I’m just so…” he glances back at Caitlin, and the word tumbles off of his lips, “... confused.”

Caitlin bit her lower lip before she said, “You’re not alone, y’know,” 

“I know,” Barry sighed heavily, “I know. Thank you, really, Caitlin, I’m just - I feel off, is all.”

Caitlin’s eyes narrow a fraction, searching him far too deeply, “Is there someone else in this?”

Barry almost jumps out of his chair. The world around him sharpens, and he begins flushing. “W-what? Anyone else? No, of course not. I’m not that type of guy.”

Caitlin shakes her head. “You and I both know emotions don’t always make sense, Barry. It’s fine. Iris doesn’t share your feelings, and it's good that you’re looking for someone new.”

Barry gulps, beet red. “Y-yeah, I guess…”

“Don’t beat yourself up over that,” Caitlin told him, “I don’t want you to get hurt because you’re distracted. You move too much when I patch you up.”

Barry blinked, then shakes his head. “I do not.”

Caitlin grins at him a bit, “Yes, you do. It’s like approaching a five year-old with a needle every time I pick up a bandaid.”

Barry’s flush deepens, and he’s glad it's from embarrassment. “Well, five year-olds know what’s up.” 

Caitlin’s grin becomes a small smile that makes his breath hitch. She shakes her head, and snorts.  _ Snorts.  _

“I love you,” Barry blurts out, for some reason. Caitlin stiffens. She turns away, and Barry hastily adds, “Like, as a friend,”  _ fuck,  _ “I don’t - with you and Cisco and Dr. Wells I don’t-”  _ shit,  _ “-You help me so much and I’m just-”  _ you’ve ruined it,  _ “-with the Man in Yellow back you’ve all helped me so much and without you guys I don’t-”  _ goddamnit, why,  _ “-I don’t know what I’d do. I don’t - I’m not, like, obviously, that would be silly. I’m not - I didn’t mean - I didn’t mean to - I just care about you all so much and lately-”

“Barry,” Caitlin raised her hand slowly, her face blank. “I get it.”

Barry swallowed thickly. “You do? I’m so sorry.”

There has to be more going on in Caitlin’s head, Barry is sure of it. Problem was, he couldn't see it, and reading faces was never a talent of his. “You have a big heart,” Caitlin said, “That’s not a crime.”

“I’m sorry.”

Caitlin pinched the bridge of her nose, exhaling slowly. “Thanks. I understand what you mean, just… be more careful with your wording next time, okay?” 

Barry nodded for the last time, way too vigorously. “Yes. Yeah. I’m sorry,”

They fell into silence again, and while the training still happened, Barry managed to get himself tagged by one of the drone’s tranq darts, and lose his footing so badly that when he tripped, he broke his nose. 

It’s when he’s sitting down under their makeshift medical tent, and Caitlin sees him flinch a bit when she reaches for disinfectant, that she raises an eyebrow at him, and her face changes from neutral that had been ruling it. 

She made air quotes, “‘I do not’,”

Barry’s awkwardness was at historic highs, but her comment broke through it like it was made of tissue paper, and he laughed. “O-okay, you got me.”

By the time he’s headed home, he thinks they’ve made up fairly well, but he can’t call it a complete victory, because his heart is still tap dancing. A new tempo: new rhythm tuned specifically by the thought of Caitlin Snow, and it was utterly stupefying. 

* * *

Barry didn’t like Jay for a variety of reasons. 

Most of them were tied up with Dr. Wells. It hurt like nothing else that the man who had helped him find his footing as the Flash was the also the man who threw his life ajar and off course, all to his own end. He said that he loved him like Joe, or his Dad, and it set everything in Barry on fire. If the cell door hadn’t been separating them when Wells said that, Barry was confident that he would have cold clocked him - he had been sorely tempted to, but he had reigned that urge in. 

Jay had a note of arrogance to him. An age different from Wells’ somber, wise one. He was a few years older than Barry himself, had been the Flash longer (or at least, had faked being the Flash longer). Now, with all the cards on the table, Barry could see his hubris in full - and why. 

He had tricked all of them. His gut had been right all along, and he despised that. The first time he was left alone after they figured out Jay was Zoom, he had sequestered himself in the speedlab, and stared at the newspaper from the future, bored into the by-line of the article, unable to be comforted by it. It meant he and Iris would live through this, but it gave no guarantees for anyone else. Caitlin, Cisco, Joe, Patty, Dr. Stein… they could very well all die, and Jay…

Barry shook his head, looking away from Caitlin’s sleeping form. Purple and black looked good on her, but then again, everything seemed to. Just hours earlier they had rescued her from Jay’s grasp, and the unsettling fact hitting him was that his relationship with Caitlin was pissing him off more than anything else right now. 

The concept made him angry. It stung to think about, let alone to see, and with the turn it had taken, it made Barry want to take Jay on again, for just the chance to punch the guy who had imprisoned and terrorized his friend. Who viewed her as a thing. He  _ hated  _ it in a capacity he hadn’t in a year.

Barry frowned, fiddling with the collar his shirt to fight the disappointment he felt at his own vitriol. Because Caitlin shouldn’t’ve made his heart beat to the tempo of her voice; he shouldn’t’ve had to fight the urge to track her every move, or watch her analyze evidence from a crime scene, because that wasn’t what a friend wanted to do. He and Caitlin were friends. Therefore, being drawn to her was a big  _ no.  _

But his attraction simply moved around the letters of that command, seeping deeper into him as response. Enveloping his psyche with an almost smug bent, turning innocent looks into darker ones, twisting thoughts and interactions around to make him look at the truth - force him to face it, admit to himself just how deep in he was. 

It wasn’t until now that he finally could. When no one else was around except them, and with remnant adrenaline clinging to the edges of his psyche. Barry sucked in a deep breath, exhaling out slowly as he turned his head to look at her. 

It was more than just the fact that she was pretty. And he knew that making his attraction illicit wasn’t all there was to it, either. It was in the steadiness of her hands, and the driven, caring person that had hooked him. Desire always had a way of making him feel light-headed, ever since he was a kid, but around Caitlin it was more subtle - and all the more dangerous for it. It mirrored her, in a way: it was resilient, rolling with the most passionate mental rants, logical rationalizations, with a soft, amused smile while it brought very inappropriate images and thoughts into his head, sexual and not. 

Tomorrow he was sure that she’d be right back to work in some way. It wasn’t in her nature to step back often, even if she wouldn’t blame another person for doing so in the present circumstances. It was one of her qualities that worried Barry and also showcased just  _ why  _ he cared for her so much. So much strength as a person, like the kind he saw in Iris, but markedly different. Different because she was Caitlin, and by God-

“I love you,” Barry murmured, before adding, “I’m sorry.”

* * *

Barry could see them. He knew Cisco was up in the rafters, Cecile was tied up just ahead of them, Joe was on his left, and Tracy was next to Joe. He understood all of that, could comprehend it all perfectly fine. 

But seeing Frost right there? That just didn’t figure with him.

Caitlin’s face was hard - granite where there should have been skin, platinum blond hair where there should have been brown. Her outfit was unlike anything Caitlin would ever wear, but beyond all of the physical was the quietly vicious vibe that Frost gave off, that spoke of the potential for so much darkness, being held back by nothing more than circumstance. 

“Hand her over,” Frost’s gaze was almost bored.

“You don’t have to do this,” Barry said, taking a small step toward her. 

Nonplussed, Frost matched his movement. “Yes I do,”

“Why?” Barry stepped further forward, “Because Savitar commands it? He’s not a god,” Barry got closer, while Frost eyed him warily, “He’s just a man that’s using you. Come on, you’re-”

“One of us?” Frost cocked her head to the left. 

Barry blinked, then pressed onward. “We’re-”

“Family?” Frost was still neutral, but sneering satisfaction shone in her eyes. 

Barry paused again, before saying, “We-”

“Protect each other, till the end?” Frost’s neutral receded, and she chuckled. 

Barry had been advancing while he spoke, but his stopped in its tracks at her words. “How are you doing that?”

Frost smirked at him. “Savitar told me everything you’d say,” she paused minutely, then continued, “You two are more alike than you realize. You see, that’s how Savitar knows every move you’re going to make. This is all history to him.”

She fell silent, holding his gaze with something like amusement. Barry waited for her to attack. She had already unbalanced him. He could tell that she knew. It didn’t make sense to pause.

“He told me you’d be speechless, too,” she told him, “A real planner.”

Barry’s heart was pounding in his chest. He had checked for bugs in the labs just this morning, and Cisco had the computers running a background program to pick up any. Unless… no, it didn’t make sense. He trusted every single member of his team. None of them had any reason to help Savitar, and far as Barry knew, speedsters weren’t psychic. Julian wasn’t Alchemy anymore, so unless there was something more sinister going on… and what did that even mean? “‘This is all history to him’’? How? 

Uncertainty clawed at him. He knew Joe was reaching for his gun. Cisco was aiming for Caitlin by this point - at least, he should have been. Everyone was waiting for either him or Frost to move first. 

Barry broke eye contact with her. He looked at the ground, before slowly reaching up for the cowl of his mask. He was genuinely fearful now, but this tension wasn’t viable. He was compromised - he had been compromised with Caitlin for years, and this was showing that clear as day. He could feel the stares of Joe and Cisco burning holes into him as his fingers hooked around the holes for his eyes.

He and Iris weren’t lovers yet. He was trying, genuinely, but his feelings for Caitlin stood in the way. Frost coolly watched him pull the cowl back, revealing the messy head of hair underneath. Barry looked at her as frankly as he could: he let all of it show. The pain, the stress, the anger, and the fear - all of it. Cecile and Tracy gawked at him, but he put all of his focus on Frost. 

“Caitlin,” he said, “I know you’re still in there. Somewhere,” he sucked in a rattly breath, “I’m sure you’re fighting as hard as you can, but I’m asking for just a bit more strength,” Barry gulped, “because this? You can beat this. I know you can,” he looked into Frost’s eyes steadily, “I love you. Please.”

Frost blinked, before letting out snarl and blasting him square in the chest with ice. Barry was sent flying back into the wall, and he heard something explode as he hit the floor. He scrambled to his feet just as more ice hit him, encasing him up to his neck before Cisco hit Frost in the back with a vibe blast strong enough to send her a good six feet into the air. When she hit the ground, she was out cold.

Barry vibrated out of the ice as Joe was untying Cecile. Tracy helped him to his feet while Cisco administered the cure to Caitlin, but just before he could properly do so, blue-white lightning sent him flying. Savitar appeared in front of Barry, who felt like Savitar was glaring at him behind the helmet. 

“Do you think this changes things?” Savitar demanded, “It doesn't. It doesn’t matter who you love, Barry. As I rise, you will fall. Iris will die, and it will break you.”

Then he was gone, and Caitlin was gone, and Barry was utterly spent.

* * *

They beat Savitar. Barry threw the team into chaos with his admission -  _ confession,  _ part of him hissed - but in the end, Savitar was defeated. 

Iris’s arms shook as she held the pistol. Barry remembered watching Saviatar fall back, and then slowly bleed out onto the ground, with something akin to horror. His own eyes bored into him, and though the monster said no words, the fear that Barry glimpsed in his eyes was too familiar. 

Caitlin was cured of Frost. The whole operation was rather subdued, and Julian didn’t say a word to Barry the entire time. He wasn’t trying to bite his head off, which was a definite step forward, but the silence between them revealed just how much he had damaged the bridge between them.

Barry was surprised when Iris walked up beside him and patted his hand. He glanced down at her, met with a soft, tired curl of her lips that wasn’t necessarily happy, but that he also couldn’t perceive as altogether negative, either. 

“You really feel that way, don’t you?” she asked him. There was no accusation in her voice - no anger, nothing to indicate that she was upset at all. 

“I’m sorry,” Barry said, “I - Caitlin didn’t return my feelings. I wasn’t gonna force her and I…” he sighed heavily. “... I wanted us to work, Iris. I’m sorry.”

Iris took in his face for a moment, before bumping him in the shoulder. “As long as you don’t drink too much of Grandma Esther’s eggnog next Christmas, we’re golden.”

Barry chuckled. The sound didn’t reach the high it should have, but the fact that he was able to chuckle at all was something that Barry considered a victory. Everything had been so dour for the past year that laughing… laughing wasn’t something he could find it within himself to do. 

His eyes redirected themselves to Frost, who winced as Julian injected her with the cure. Less than a second after the liquid disappeared from the injector, Frost stiffened, before Barry saw her face twist up in pain. Her eyes met his and she blinked, before motioning him to come closer. 

Barry’s breath hitched. He glanced around at the team, lingering on Julian's face for a second too long before slowly approaching her. He was about to say something, but Caitlin lifted her hand and brought it to his face. 

Caitlin’s skin was cold. She opened and closed her eyes several times in rapid succession, and she groaned. Barry knew the team was staring (he was glad he couldn’t see Julian’s face), however, that knowledge was a tiny ripple in the ocean of his concern. 

“Caitlin?” he asked. 

She didn’t respond immediately. Exhausted eyes looked at him with vague curiosity, making Barry’s heartbeat change its rhythm. He could feel heat advancing up his neck. He hoped that he wasn’t looking at her hand too much. 

“You’re…” Caitlin began, her voice hoarse, “... w-where...?”

Barry gulped. 

“You’re in the labs,” he said, voice tight, “we beat Savitar. Everything’s...” he finally threw a glance toward his teammates, met with the sight of relief breaking through Iris’s neutral expression (it reached her eyes, but something seemed slightly amiss nonetheless), a small, tired smile tugging at Cisco’s lips, and Julian’s attempt at leaving his face blank. “... we’re okay. We won, Caitlin.”

Her hand was still on his face. It wasn’t as cold now. 

“I don’t... did Killer Frost do anything?”

Barry knew his face had fallen, because Caitlin’s expression plummeted right before his eyes. 

“M'sorry,” she whispered, before her eyes fluttered shut again. Her hand fell away from his face. 

There was a short space where he remained at her side, however, by the middle of Julian’s cliffnotes summary of the fun time that had been them being graced with Killer Frost’s presence, he finally woke up to just how close his hand was to one of hers. His eyes went to Julian, to Caitlin, then to his and Caitlin’s right hand, centimetres from where he had sequestered his left. 

He backed off slowly. Caitlin’s eyes were on him at one point, which he shouldn’t’ve ignored. 

“I, uh,” he said, “Joe’s been clearing stuff up for you. About, Killer Frost, I mean - making sure the police file doesn’t incriminate you at all. I need to, uhm, check up on him. I’ll be back.”

He hated himself as he sped off to the precinct, where Joe was double-checking the file they had on Killer Frost. The conversation between them was short and clipped, and far earlier than he wanted - yet still much later than he should’ve - he arrived back at the cortex. Wally and Jay, who had taken some pretty serious hits from Savitar, had recovered enough that they were group hugging Caitlin tightly, along with Iris, Cisco, and Julian. Barry and Joe swiftly joined in, but Barry felt disappointment clawing at him the whole time. 

By the time everyone had separated, Barry was torn mightily between the urge to go to his apartment and go the fuck to sleep, and his concern over Caitlin. At the same time, guilt was slowly rising, infecting both emotions. He was smiling, even though he was pretty certain that the curve of his mouth wasn’t reaching his eyes, for the team’s sake.

The guilt had become a haze when the explanations were finally over (sans his admission, nobody seemed willing to mention that). A silence descended down on the team; nobody knew quite how to continue the conversation, partly due to HR’s death and, in Barry’s case, the conflicting emotions playing out across his exhausted psyche. 

Then there was an earthquake. 

Cause why not, right?

Everything in the lab shook: the entire team was thrown to the grown as one of the lab’s many alarms began to blare. Cisco gave a rather exasperated “What the hell did we do to piss  _ you _ off, Poseidon?!” as the Cortex shook. Glassware crashed against the floor, microscopes fell with metallic clangs - the quake was strong that even the central console was swaying. 

Barry was fortunate enough to fall onto his back, and as such, he got a wonderful view of the largest storm he’d ever seen descend from the sky. Tendrils of lightning lashed out, setting buildings on fire, or simply blasting holes in others. Within moments, the clouds had doubled in size, as had the luminosity and numericity of the lightning bolts. 

“The Speedforce Prison!” Barry said, just as the quake stopped. He scrambled to his feet, rushing over to Joe, “The Prison!”

“Someone needs to be in it,” Jay said, grunting as Cisco helped him to his feet, “Without a speedster in it-”

“I’ll go,” Wally interrupted, “I’ll do it.”

“Like hell you are,” Joe snapped, “I already almost lost you to this stuff before, no way in hell am I gonna let you go in there.”

Wally scowled, halfway through pulling on his cowl before Barry said, “I’ll do it.”

Wally shook his head vigorously, “No, man, you just beat your future self! You deserve-”

“I did this,” Barry interrupted, and he felt something “Savitar is my fault. Flashpoint is  _ my fault.  _ Every person that got hurt this year because of Savitar is on me. I...” he trailed off, scanning the concerned faces around him, “... I’m the reason any of this even happened. If I need to do this to save you guys, then that’s fine by me.”

Jay was giving him a look of sympathy; Wally looked shocked; Joe was glancing between him and Wally, completely stiff; Cisco’s face was one of mild horror; even Julian’s brows were scrunched together in concern. 

Caitlin?

Barry’s eyes froze when they settled on Caitlin. The lines of her face spoke of intense fear, but her eyes were concerned. His heart pounded as he held her gaze. He could feel the words on his tongue, so simple and yet nearly impossible to express. He wanted to tell everyone so much: he wanted them to know how much he appreciated them, how he would always be thankful for their presence in his life. He wanted to tell them how he felt - he wanted to tell  _ Caitlin  _ how he felt. 

“I...” Barry said, breaking eye contact with Caitlin, “I love you guys. So much.” 

For some reason, though, he didn’t move after he said the words. He should have, but he didn’t. There was a tense space in which it seemed either him or Wally or would begin to run, but neither party did. Barry gulped again, before slowly turning to meet Caitlin’s eyes. It felt like he was moving his head through molasses.

“And...” he blinked hard, trying to fend off the water at the edges of his vision, “... I love you.”

Not a moment after he said the words, he took off. He wasn’t wearing his suit - just a t-shirt and sweatpants. Honestly, he didn’t remember putting them on. Glass windows began to break as his shoes were replaced with asphalt, and when he glanced behind him, he saw Wally hot on his tail. 

Barry pushed himself harder. His chest began to burn worse than it ever had, like someone was pounding his sternum with a jackhammer. The world around him slowed. Windows fractured sluggishly, cars slowed to the speed of strolling pedestrians. Barry glared at the speed force storm, and before he knew it, a portal was opening underneath the center of it. 

And before he knew it, he had thrown himself right into it. 

* * *

Barry didn’t recall any part of his time in the Speedforce. The last thing he could remember was arriving in what appeared to be his house; inside, he saw Zoom, arm around his father’s neck. 

When he opened his eyes, he wasn’t in his house. The walls were white, and a table near an opened door was cluttered with equipment, all of which had developed a thin layer of dust. The lighting was dim, but sunlight just managed to stretch past the threshold. 

The figures around him were fuzzy. Human, he could tell, but their faces were difficult to discern. His right hand was throbbing. When he glanced at it, he saw bandages covering the skin. There were people to his left and to his right - on his left, he saw someone large and strong, wearing an overcoat. The person to his right was shorter, lightly built, in a white tank top and jeans. In front of him stood yet more figures, wearing a t-shirt, button down shirt with a cardigan, and some type of… jumpsuit? 

It took Barry a space of incredibly rapid blinking before the figures came into focus. He glanced at each of them, left to right, recognition dimly lighting up in the very back of his mind. Joe… Cisco… Iris… Wally… 

_ Caitlin.  _

His eyes froze when they fell on her. Context came screaming back to him, harsh and unforgiving. He looked away. 

“Why…” he glanced at his right hand, “... what’s going on?”

“That’s you?” Joe asked, “You can see us?”

Barry turned his eyes to him. Zoom’s grinning face was plastered over his eyes. “Yes?”

Joe leaned forward and hugged him close. Barry grunted in surprise, patting him on the back. “Joe?”

Joe didn’t say anything to respond to his question, only held on tighter. He let out a soft sound - the kind he only ever made when he was crying. 

Barry leaned his head into Joe’s shoulder, closing his eyes, and hugged him back. He waited until Joe let him go, gently pushing him back against the pillows of the medbay’s bed. Barry studied the rest of the team for a short time, before asking, “... why am I here? Is this…”

“You’re not in the Speedforce Prison,” Cisco said, “we got you outta there. You’re okay.”

His bottom lip was trembling somewhat. His hands were frozen at his sides. Now that his vision had cleared up, Barry recognized the pants he wore when he went out as Vibe. He turned his attention to Iris, who was just as stiff as Cisco; there was water in her eyes. He offered her a smile, small and tired, and looked at Wally, who had shock written all over his face. 

“Where’s Jay?” Barry asked, “he isn’t…” he swept his gaze over the team, lingering for a second on Caitlin’s face, which he couldn’t read, “... is he?”

“He’s on Earth Three,” Cisco said, clearing his throat while Iris wiped her eyes, “I, uh, made something. It mimics you’re signature as a speedster - the speedforce thinks you’re in the prison, but all it’s trying to torture is metal ball.”

Barry blinked. “You…”

“It wasn’t easy,” Cisco said, briefly looking away, “but I couldn’t leave you in there, man.”

“Did you turn the particle accelerator back on?” Barry frowned. 

“Nah, man,” Wally said, his features crinkling in a smile, “we used that thing Savitar had Cisco make six months ago. No one got hurt.”

“Six months ago?” Barry stared at Wally, “I’ve been gone six months?”

“Hey,” Wally said, squaring his shoulders, providing a smile remarkably similar to the one that Barry had given so many times when they were dealing with Savitar, “Cisco and I have been keeping the city safe. We just caught Peekaboo today.”

“Six months?” Barry asked again, the words not feeling entirely real, “I’ve been gone for six months?”

“No one’s gotten hurt,” Cisco told him, “seriously, man. Everything’s been okay. No one on that bus was hurt, right Wally?”

“Yep,” Wally nodded, “no-one.”

“Everything’s been okay, Barry,” Iris said, offering up a smile of her own. “We’re okay. You’re okay.”

“Yeah,” Cisco said, with a bit more enthusiasm, “and you punched out a robotic samurai today.”

“What?” Barry’s eyes shot over to his right hand. 

“Uh, yeah,” Cisco frowned, “you remember that, right?”

“No,” Barry shook his head, “I don’t… I ran into the storm, through a portal, then…”

Cisco’s expression fell. “Oh, uh, well - you did. Really hard.”

“I don’t…” Barry shook his head, “... I punched out a samurai?”

“Yeah, dude,” Cisco said, “it was about to…” he trailed off, glancing at Caitlin before clearing his throat a second time, “... uh, hurt me. Wally and I were fighting it, it closed in, and then - bam. It went like, fifteen blocks.”

Barry felt a spike of skepticism in the back of his head, and his eyes briefly went towards Caitlin, who hadn’t moved from her position at his side. Her left hand was inches away from his right, hanging limply in the air. 

He looked back at Cisco, letting a breath. “Okay.”

Cisco asked, "You really don't remember anything?"

Barry nodded. "Yes."

"You're absolutely sure?" Cisco asked, looking concerned. 

Barry nodded again. "Yeah. I'm sorry."

"No need to be sorry," Cisco said, "it's just... there was another speedster that came out of the speedforce."

"What?" Barry asked.

"Another speedster," Cisco said, "they stopped near the city's new windmills. After they stopped moving... we lost track of them."

Barry shook his head, and chuckled, "No rest for the wicked, right?"

No one laughed.

A space of silence passed, during which the image of Barry’s old house grew clearer and clearer in his mind’s eye. Slowly, people began to dissipate. Wally and Cisco left first, with a relieved smile from both parties. Iris and Joe followed, both of whom gave him tight hugs before exiting. 

Caitlin didn’t move throughout the whole affair. Her gaze flitted about various objects in the room, but it always found its way back to him. She got progressively stiff as the medbay emptied, watching her friends’ backs disappear from the Cortex with an emotion that very clearly wasn’t entirely positive, and yet not entirely negative, either. Barry knew what that looked like in her eyes - and he didn’t see it. 

When they were alone, Barry cleared his throat. “So, uh,” he attempted a easy smile, in spite of the stiffness in his lips, “I’m sorry.”

Caitlin scrutinized Barry with the same look she had given him all those years ago, when he first felt what it was like to run at superspeed. The corners of Barry’s mouth couldn’t hold up under the pressure, and had flattened back down by the time she spoke. 

“Y’know,” Caitlin said, “that was kinda a jerk move. Just - for the record.”

Barry nodded, swallowing. “Yeah. I - I’m sorry. I just - I knew what was in the Speedforce Prison, and I - I didn’t want you to…” he ran a hand through his hair, sighing heavily. “... no, that’s a lie. I was - I’ve…” the hand that carded through his hair fell back down to his lap, centimetres from Caitlins, limp. “... I knew for years how I felt about you. But the way things worked out, you were always finding someone else, and that was totally okay, that was totally your prerogative, so I tried to ignore it, but…”

He broke eye contact, and refocused on the hand that was wrapped in bandages. Caitlin pulled up a chair and sat down, keeping herself poised. Her expression betrayed her, however. 

“Barry,” she said, “I wish you’d told me sooner.”

“Sorry.” 

“No,” Caitlin said, and she took his hand hers, “that’s not what I meant. I’ve felt the same way since - well, I think it was after the karaoke bar, that it started actually.” her expression shifted from troubled to thoughtful. “I hadn’t trusted myself to get drunk around anyone after Ronnie died. I would always get miserable and teary, and yet…” she chuckled, squeezing Barry’s hand, “... that night, I didn’t. Even the next day, it wasn’t anywhere as bad as it could have been.

“I didn’t really want to accept it, so I kept quiet, but…” Caitlin began to smile, “... I couldn’t resist that face of yours.”

Barry flushed. “Uh, yeah, thanks.”

Caitlin laughed, and moved her other hand to carefully grasp Barry’s free one, “I love you, Barry Allen.”

Barry’s heart skipped a beat. “Uhm,”  _ Oh my god,  _ “uh, yeah, that’s-”  _ she just said that,  _ “well, I guess - actually, y’know what-”  _ focus, Allen,  _ “I love you too. Like, a lot.”

Caitlin cocked her head. “A lot, huh?”

Barry laughed, composing himself, “Yes. A lot.”

“I guess I have competition, then,” Caitlin chuckled. 

Barry found himself grinning more widely than he had in years, “Yep.”

As response, Caitlin slowly leaned in and kissed him. Barry reciprocated swiftly, letting everything in his mind drift away as it went on. No warmth spread about him, nor did he have any grand revelations. Rather, it was overtaken, utterly and completely, by the rhythm of Caitlin Snow. 

When they separated, Barry found himself face-to-face with the most beautiful sight in the world. 

“I love you.” he said.

“I love you, too.”

**Author's Note:**

> So if anyone reading this has read my previous work, I hope this was a pleasant surprise - however big the crosssection of people that like Heathers: The Musical, Be More Chill, PJO, and who have read my previous fics is. 
> 
> This took a long time and gave me a lot of feelings(tm). So much so that I decided to have this be the start of a new AU. Will I update it? Who knows! I have plans for Season 5, so we'll see how that goes. We just might be in the timeline where I produce content regularly. 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed reading this, however. It was fun to write, as much as this story's google doc taunted me, I'm happy with it. But that's just me: feel free to let me know how you feel about it! Hate it? Love it? I don't bite, so feel free to tell me. 
> 
> Any and all kudos/bookmarks/comments will make my day. - Raging Celaic


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